“The struggle is great, the task divine – to gain mastery, freedom, happiness and tranquility.” – Epictetus

Background

 

It’s no exaggeration that the past three years of my life have been the most transformative. However, the years preceding the pandemic told a very different story. I smoked, drank too much and felt lost in my life and career. When my son was born prematurely in January 2020, I paid little attention to the warning signs of a virus outbreak in China. 

 

 In just the first year of the pandemic, prevalence of anxiety and depressive symptoms increased by a massive 25% (1). Alcohol usage also increased by 25% (2) while the great resignation of 2021 saw more than 50% of Americans change their occupation or field of work (3). 

 

Before 2020 I was the coffee director for a local specialty coffee company. After nearly a decade in the industry, there were limited opportunities for learning and growth left. I thought my job was holding me back, but in reality – I was holding myself back.

 

Deciding to take the leap and pursue personal training in 2020 was risky and tremendously difficult. I still can’t believe I convinced my wife that I could change careers in the middle of a pandemic with a newborn at home. Fortunately, it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. 

 

Reflection

 

“If you want somthing you have never had, you must be willing to do something you have never done.” – Thomas Jefferson

Three months after I started at FiT my father passed away from heart and liver failure. Many years of smoking and drinking heavily had taken its toll on him. I was in the room for his final breath. 

 

Being the only family members nearby, my wife and I were tasked with cleaning out his apartment and settling his estate. Going through his things I found a box full of divorce papers and an old printed journal that detailed the years leading up to my parents custody battle. 

 

It was a dizzying account of what it’s like to live with someone abusing amphetamines, alcohol and suffering from symptoms of severe paranoia and manic depression. I’m talking about my mother here. My father was no angel, however he did gain custody of my sister and I. 

 

While sipping a beer and reading through his journal I cried.

 

Everyone in my immediate family has been in the throes of addiction before. Like many others, my drinking habits spiked considerably during the pandemic. 

 

I knew that alcohol was becoming problematic for me, but It wasn’t until I read that diary that I could see a clear vision – what my life could be if I didn’t stop. I couldn’t bear the thought of letting my potential go down the toilet. I thought of my wife and son. I wasn’t being the best father, husband or co-worker that I could be. They depended on me to show up as my best self.

 

Mastery Mindset

 

 From the age of about 13-25 I was very focused on continuous learning and improvement with not just myself but my hobbies. First it was skateboarding, then music and guitar. This drive and focus got me into the most prestigious contemporary music school in the world – Berklee College of Music. When my funding ran out and was forced to leave school I felt defeated and withdrawn. My will and drive for greatness was shattered. 

 

While pursuing personal training and fitness had definitely revived some of that mindset, I still felt like I wasn’t living up to my potential. I knew there was one thing that was holding me back.

 

I finally accepted what had to be done. 

 

Accept Responsibility

 

In order to make meaningful change in my life I had to take responsibility for my current reality. 

 

 Ironically, a traumatic event such as losing my father was a good catalyst for me to 

begin taking action. It made me accept that some things are out of my control, but that ultimately it is my responsibility to rise above my circumstances. 

 

After many previous attempts and failures, I finally gave up drinking alcohol on November 4th of 2022. 

 

Quitting drinking was a deeply personal decision for me, however the reason I quit wasn’t because I hit rock bottom or anything crazy. 

 

I was trapped in a period of stagnation – just uncomfortable enough to want change, but too stuck in my ways to do anything meaningful about it. 

 

At this point in my career, I had already laid the foundation for a life I didn’t need to escape from. Why should I let anything hold me back? I set out to undo the damage that was done and learn new ways to cope. 

 

Embrace Discomfort

 

“The obstacle in the path becomes the path. Never forget, within every obstacle is an opportunity to improve our condition.” – Ryan Holiday

I knew that eliminating this maladaptive coping mechanism would be very difficult and uncomfortable. Truth is I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

 

I quickly learned that in order to process my emotions and stress in a healthy way, I  had to embrace being uncomfortable. 

 

Drinking is a very effective way to not only avoid your problems, but have them eventually blow up in your face at the worst time. 

 

I found the way through this obstacle with journaling and meditation. Journaling specifically about sobriety helped to keep a record of the small wins I accumulated, while meditation taught me to observe my thoughts and emotions, instead of reacting to them.

 

By embracing the discomfort I found a way through the suffering. 

 

Still, at 35 years old, my journey down the road of self discovery was just beginning. 

 

Seek Physical Challenge

 

All my life I’ve been very active. I was a skateboarder throughout my teenage years and took it very seriously. I would skate with friends every day for hours after school – coming home exhausted and hungry. 

 

My dad never discouraged any of this – in fact I think it kept me out of trouble. I didn’t even take my first sip of alcohol until I was 20 years old. 

 

After I quit drinking, as my body and mind healed, I started to crave the same mental challenge that skateboarding provided. I realized that my natural state thrived when I was learning and challenging myself physically. Anything requiring skill, technique and physical challenge was highly interesting to me.

 

I had already been running on Sundays as a way to get some alone time and exercise, but didn’t take it seriously until Thom (owner of FiT) invited me to participate in the Los Altos Pathways 10k trail race. 

 

The race tested me physically and mentally, but it was exhilarating. I found joy in the shared suffering of pushing the human body to its limits. After the race, I was hooked. 

 

On November 5th I completed my first half marathon – The Golden Gate Half Marathon with some of my amazing coworkers. It was a challenging race with a spectacular view of the bay as we raced across the Golden Gate Bridge

 

I trained hard for 16 weeks to prepare for it. It all paid off with meeting my goal time and feeling great the whole race. It was an experience I’ll never forget. 

 

Some people ask about my thought process when getting into running or if I actually enjoy it. The truth is I didn’t really have a thought process, but I do enjoy it. 

 

I’m sure that reading David Goggin’s ‘Can’t Hurt Me’ had some (okay a lot) of influence on me. “Physical challenges strengthen my mind so I’m ready for whatever life throws at me, and it will do the same for you.” 

 

I admire people that put themselves through hell in the pursuit of an iron will. He made me realize that I’m entitled to nothing. I can’t just sit around and wait for good things to happen to me.

 

In retrospect, running has proven to be the ultimate leisure activity for me. Not leisure in the sense of relaxing on the beach with a margarita. Rather, it’s a hobby that somehow replenishes and strengthens my soul. I do it for myself to put the mind and body into a meditative state where I can process thoughts, emotions and enjoy some alone time . 

 

Endure the Process

 

Running taught me to recalibrate my mind to be more process oriented. I now find more joy in the process of working towards a goal and enduring challenges. This mindset allows for consistent progress instead of chasing perfection.

 

 Not only is my time better spent between setting a goal and achieving it, this mindset allows better commitment over the long run (excuse the bad pun). 

 

Running has also taught me that in order to achieve my goals I need to be disciplined. As a coach it has taught me that I must practice what I preach. 

 

That being said, I know that running does not define who I am. It has a deeper purpose which is as a potent tool for self improvement.

 

 Nick Bare says that “if you don’t have purpose and reason behind the process you are embarking on to endure, you’re not going to enjoy it, respect it, or obtain a successful and sustainable outcome.”  

 

I don’t always want to or love running ten miles early on a Sunday morning. However, I understand that it’s part of the process. Through consistency and repetition I can see the direct result of my training which is a more balanced, disciplined mind and a strong resilient body. 

 

Do Hard Things, build powerful habits

 

When you consistently and intentionally set out to do hard things, without a doubt your mindset will begin to change. 

 

Andrew Huberman said it well that “The reason to do hard things is that when non-self-elected challenges arrive (and they will) you can tell yourself well, I don’t know how this is going to turn out, but I know that I can do hard things. Doing hard things is always worthwhile.” 

 

Of course, “hard” means something different for everyone. For me, saying no to drinks on Friday evening was hard. Getting up at 5am to run 10 miles was hard. At the moment, these simple decisions seem insignificant. However, every positive action is a small “win”. These wins add up to powerful behavior change.

 

As James Clear notes in his best seller ‘Atomic Habits’. Habits are the compound interest of self-improvement. The same way that money multiplies through compound interest, the effects of your habits multiply as you repeat them.

 

For me, these effects were mostly mental, as the consistency of my actions increased confidence in myself and promoted greater willpower. 

 

Every run, every workout is a chance for me to redefine myself as someone who strives for progress over perfection and humility over ego. 

 

To get to this level I had to come face to face with the deepest layer of habit change – my identity. 

 

Build Identity Habits 

 

Most people set their goals around achieving some outcome like lose 10lbs, or process like developing workout routine. 

 

Lasting change comes from developing identity based goals.

 

 If you know who you want to become, then you need to prove it to yourself with daily wins that bring you closer to being that person. 

 

For me this was a tough one. I wanted to be a strong, healthy, responsible and disciplined person. However, my habit of having too many weekend beverages made it nearly impossible. 

 

When our values and actions are misaligned, we create cognitive dissonance. Then our identity becomes more and more ambiguous. 

 

Once I began to build my habits around supporting who I wanted to be, it became much easier to do hard things without requiring motivation or willpower. I just did them because that’s what I do and it supports who I am. Simple but not easy. 

 

Last week, as I pulled up to the gym early to do my workout, I was struck by how consistent I’ve become in not just my workouts, but so many different areas of my life in a short amount of time. 

 

I realized that by building my habits around who I wanted to become, I was resurfacing my true identity – the healthy person that I always knew I could be. 

 

Building Inner Strength

 

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it.” – Helen Keller

 

We all deal with challenges, setbacks, trauma and stress in our lives. However, helping others isn’t a one way street. By listening to other people’s stories we can learn ways to heal ourselves. By healing ourselves we increase our capacity to help others and spread positivity in the world. 

 

The changes I’ve made in my life have allowed me to reconnect with my inner strength and know who I really am. My inner drive to improve myself and my passion for learning are reignited. 

 

I’m confident that I can continue the hard work of being the best version of myself now, so that I can better serve my family and community. 

 

My mind is empty. My heart is full. My body is busy. 

Attamen tranquillus

 

Thank you for reading, 

James Frederick